i heard that it's a good mental exercise to share your thoughts/feelings so..

when i get mad i become violent. i don't do violent things necessarily, i've learned to be better at holding stuff like that in.

but to be honest, that probably won't end up being good for me in the long run. i can already feel the symptoms of it affecting me damn near everyday now.

i get mad way easier compared to just a couple months ago. i used to have the thickest skin in the world, now even saying a couple "triggering"(ew) words to me is enough to get me to break shit.

and that's only what i actually do..i just noticed when i broke my headphones i accidentally cut myself so..yeah that proves my point even further.

back to what i was saying. the things i think, sometimes even fantasize about when i get mad enough would probably be enough to get me arrested if i said it out-loud.

it used to be just "oh i'm tired of this, i'm gonna pack my shit and run-away i promise". now it's "i'm gonna get a knife and rip this bitches vocal cords out if she talks to me like that ever again". yes i know that probably sounds fucking crazy to you, it would to me too if i heard somebody saying it in public.

but i guess i've gotten desensitizied to it in a way. when i think about things like that everyday, it no longer phases me honestly.

"what/who triggers you?" to be honest, it's primarily my mother. and my brother also.

she's an awful person. she said no to my brother asking for mental help, and gets mad at him when he uses weed to cope with it. even though he's told her in the past that he smokes because he hears voices when he doesn't. she just shrugged it off.

she messes things up, and gets mad when people don't fix them for her. she'll mess something up, be angry at herself, and take it out on my brother and me for the rest of the day.

she keeps on screaming about wanting me to be more independent, even though she even actually did the..parental part about being a parent. she never taught us anything. she just tossed a screen infront of our faces and let us watch anything.

she's traumatized me to the point that i don't even feel comfortable being around people anymore, i'm scared about what they'll think, what they'll say about me, if they'll make fun of me, make fun of how i look. my mom has before, why wouldn't a random fucking guy walking beside me on the sidewalk do it?

i'm insecure about everything now, it got so bad that until like november i couldn't even look in a mirror without feeling a deep sense of disgust in my chest. i still can't look at photos of myself to this day.

she's always talking about how i need to stand up for myself more, how i need to be louder. but you are the same person that'll kick me out if i defend myself using words after you yell at me for no reason. yet she wonders why i rarely fucking talk nowadays.

now lets talk about my brother.

the guy that posibly gave himself schizophrenia becuase he wanted to look cool by doing shrooms with his friends. the same guy that got so drunk that he assaulted our mother. it was so bad that i had to scream at him as loud as i possibly could and push him out. that was probably the most emotional i've ever gotten in my life.

and. last, but certantly not least. the fact that he gave me brain damage from full force punching me in the back of the head 6 times, never apologizes. than proceeded to joke about it to his friends infront of my face.

everytime i wake up it gets worse, everytime i wake up, i get worse. everytime i wake up, my life gets worse.

i just want all of this to stop. i want to be normal. i don't want to be scared of other people. i don't want to be scared of myself. i don't want any of that shit.

i just want to be loved.

this blog probably isn't even gonna get released. i just needed to vent my thoughts SOMEWHERE, sorry. atleast this made me feel better.

and the whole time i was writing that, all i could hear was my brother laughing and screaming while talking to his friends like a fucking...nevermind.